Show and tell.

Presentation day just passed and I absolutely hated it. I hate having to wear a formal outfit to school because I just think it looks weird on me.

Moreover, my shoes were hurting me all day long. I was walking in such a weird momentum that my calf suffered from cramps! I do not even get cramps when I am playing football and now I get cramps from moving around in leather shoes? What a loser!

So the presentation went well for my group which was a nice reward after seeing the huge amount of effort that all of us put. I went to school early three days in a row for this presentation when normally you will never see me in class until the lesson had started.

Speaking in public had never been my strong point unless it was in an informal situation. Even for that, I do feel scared pretty much most of the time. People sitting in front could probably see me shaking if they looked really closely. This presentation was normal and even though my level was still not as good as I would like it to be, I think I improved.

Anyway, the whole point of this entry was not about this presentation, which is probably boring to read (I felt bored when I was typing it). It was what happened after the presentation.

So the group all bunched around an area to listen to the lecturer's comments and she was also fielding some questions. Me being me just could not stand still and began to fidget and gaze around. I was not prepared for what I was about to see.

A classmate of mine who was wearing a formal outfit, was sitting with her legs wide open. She was not wearing pants. It was not the best of sight, and was perhaps along the line of "dancing queen". That sent chills up my spine and I almost laughed out loud on the spot. I quickly hid behind my group mate to prevent myself from seeing it accidentally again.

Why did she not close her legs when she knew she was not wearing pants? I will never know.

Dancing queen.

So I was at Powerhouse the other night and I caught a glimpse of something that was nothing short of a nightmare. Got there at about 1am and the queue was extremely long, on hindsight, I should have left after seeing that the queue was not moving much. But silly me had the idea of going to Boiler Room to get myself stamped before entering Powerhouse through the re-entry queue.

When I got in, it reminded me about how much I hate crowds and squeezing past crowds. That should have been another indication to leave. But, I lingered on. So my friends were down at the dance floor and I joined them after loitering outside for awhile. And after rocking the dance floor with my moves I learnt from watching shows like "Step Up" (as if), something in the corner caught my eye.

On the platform, there was this crazy/drunk/liberal lady dancing with much zest and oomph. My back was facing the platform but my friends told me to watch out as her ass was barely a few centimeters away from me. I turned around and got quite a shock that she was indeed very close and that disgusted me quite a lot. But she suddenly decided that it was a good idea to turn around which meant now I had eye contact with her, hmm, you know what. Not a good sight.

After a few moments of gyrating with herself, she suddenly thought it was a good idea to "reward" the guys with a little strip tease show. She started lifting up her dress and exposing what I made out to be her g-string. (I may be wrong because I only took a glance.) Some of the guys started cheering for whatever reasons that I cannot understand. (One man's meat is another man's poison I guess.) Cheering extremely loudly was her companion who had just caught her shoes a few moments ago.

Back to the g-string, what I saw was her back and it was probably a sight that was close to terrifying for me. Let me describe what I saw. Imagine a McDonalds cheeseburger. Except this was a cheeseburger that used two char-siew baos, instead of regular buns, to hold the meat and cheese. Now take out the meat and you get two char-siew baos holding a thin piece of cheese. Hope my description was helpful.

By that time, I was already wondering why the bouncer had not thrown this woman out, especially when there was one who was staring at her the whole time. After showing the guys her bottom, she proceeded to expose her top like a good stripper would. By that time, I was too disgusted that I never turned that way again and judging by the whistles and cheers, her personal strip show probably lasted for about 20 minutes or so. It was only then the bouncer decided to react and throw the woman and her companion out.

But not without a struggle! I think the woman tried to bribe the bouncer with a kiss but he declined like a sane man will. Seeing how her seductive technique failed (as if it ever had a chance), she jumped over to her companion's side and after some verbal confrontation, they were finally out.

So, what did you see on your weekend?

Hurt.

You.

You have been on my mind this past week, hurting me like it does not matter to you at all.

Even when I am out with my friends, you have always been inside me.

Have you ever thought about the unbearable pain you are causing me?

Did you know the excruciating pain that you have inflicted has reduced me to tears?

Did you know I have resorted to pills because of you?

If I ever get an addiction to pills, the fault is going to be on you.

There is only so much hurt a man can take.

Have you forgotten about the good times we have had?

Things were going great for us, why did you have to change it?

After my previous experience, I seriously thought you were different.

I did not think that you would hurt me like the previous one did.

I was wrong, and I now regret not letting you go when I still had the chance.

I regret not letting you go before all these hurt started.

I did not want to let go of you, however, that seems like the best option. The only option.

Letting go is going to hurt as well, but it is a decision I have made.

I am not going to be hurt by you again.

And by the end of this week, all the hurt has to come to an end.

I am sorry that it has to come down to this, but you, my wisdom tooth, has got to go.

Its just emotions.

Are emotions a good thing or a bad thing? People say that without emotions, we will all just be robots doing the same thing everyday. Is that really a bad thing?

There are two general types of emotions, to me at least. One type gives you feelings of happiness, pride, sense of achievement or in other words, makes you feel good about yourself. The other type brings you sadness, confusion, hurt, pain or to simplify makes you feel terrible about yourself.

Look at it this way, you get very happy because you pass your exams with flying colors. You go out and celebrate with your class, an hour later, you receive a text message saying that someone dear to you had just passed away. Your "feel-good" emotions are immediately taken over by one of pain and sadness.

Flip the situation around, you just broke up with your girlfriend of eight years. You are still in self denial mode and is finding hard to adjust to life without her. You then find out you have struck the lottery and is now $500 or $5000 richer. Are your bad emotions immediately taken over by feelings ecstasy or happiness? For some, maybe yes. For most, probably not.

With this somewhat unfair distribution of emotions, why should we feel so blessed that we are not robots? In life, there are probably more situations that are likely to make you feel bad, disgusted, sorrow than those that make you feel genuinely happy. And you know how the saying goes, "A smile can be remembered for a day, a frown keeps you thinking for a month." (Okay, I made that up.)

Think about it, without emotions, nobody gets hurt. Nobody has to lie anymore, crime rates will probably be down as there will no longer be crimes triggered by passion. And nobody has to hide their feelings anymore. How many times have you gone out with a smile that is actually hiding your sorrows? Why should people need to pretend to be okay when in fact they feel terrible? Have you ever seen people who are extremely happy but pretend to feel anguished? (If yes, stay away from them, they are probably insane.)

P.S. This is just a rant because I know there is no way of getting rid of a person's emotions if that person still wants to live, I am not an idiot, thank you very much. Do I sound like I am whining? Perhaps. Do I sound like I am feeling sorry for myself? Maybe. But mostly, it is because this post is sponsored by anger and hurt.

Ten things I hate about me.

1. I procrastinate a lot.
   If I had a dollar for each and every time I procrastinate, I will probably be a millionaire already. I have insurance claims that I should but have not mailed out from a month ago. I was supposed to start my assignment today but yet here I am doing this post (and the blog). And if you were one of the lucky few who saw my blog before, you would have known that this blog has been around since 2004. I have since deleted the two pathetic posts that say that my blog will be done soon.
   
   
2. I am extremely sarcastic.
   I hate that I show my love to others by being sarcastic. I think I have a very serious problem. The one thing my friends can take heart, with this problem I have, is that you are probably a very good friend, to me, if you had been a victim of my sarcasm.
   
   
3. I am too easily distracted.
   This happens to me every single time. I cannot seem to stay glued to the television for a soccer game. I cannot seem to study without taking a million television or messenger breaks. I can talk about a certain issue and talk about something else before someone has even made a comment. (As if to prove a point, I finished watching a show and had my shower before I finished this post.)
   
   
4. I cannot seem to sleep early.
   It is currently 05:11am and I am here wanting to finish this post. I am jealous that some of my friends have the ability to sleep at 11:00pm, which I can never seem to do. It pisses me off when I know I have to wake up early the next day for work or for school or for a job interview and yet I keep denying myself sleep.
   
   
5. I have a punctuality problem.
   I am late more often than not and I just want to apologize to the people who have been unfortunate enough to have waited for me before (lecturers included). This is a problem I am working on.
   
   
6. I am smart in all the wrong areas.
   I am really good in thinking of weird scenarios and practical jokes. I am really good in making up weird excuses that people actually believe. I am really good in thinking too much and too far ahead. I am really good in hurting people by saying things I know I do not really feel. For what uses do these "qualities" have, I really do not know.
   
   
7. I grow too attached to things and people.
   I have Christmas cards from my secondary school days that I have refused to throw out. I have textbooks from my poly days that I have refused to throw out. I have a very cute bolster from my childhood years that I have refused to stop using. I was nearly in tears during my basic military training passing out parade. I refuse to let go of people who wants nothing to do with me. Am I really a woman? (No I am not.)
   
   
8. I am so indecisive I scare myself sometimes.
   Sometimes I wonder if I have an inner Gollum (probably a female one) in me talking myself out of the decisions I make. I contradict and second guess myself very often and sometimes I seriously do not know what I actually want. I can stand in front of the Cheers fridge for a few minutes thinking what drink I should actually buy. I guess it sucks to be me. My friends get pissed off with me because I take very long in making simple decisions, which again I am very sorry for.
   
   
9. I have extremely gay tastes in music and television programs.
   I am actually very embarrassed to admit that I actually watch shows like Gossip Girl or Privileged and listen to songs like Rihanna's "Take A Bow" and Beyoncé's "If I Were A Boy". I do not understand why I like it but the reason is definitely not because I am gay. Just to be clear, I also love shows like Heroes and Chuck and I do listen to stuff other than those two. Maybe I just have a wide tolerance for entertainment. (By the way, the shows listed above are really good.)
   
   
   
10. I joke too much to the extent that people seldom take me seriously.
    This is a trait that I have been trying to tone down for years but I seriously cannot succeed. I go into new surroundings promising to keep a low profile and not to act like a fool too much but my instincts always get the better of me. I went into MDIS thinking I want to keep quiet and just study real hard for two and a half years, due to past labels as the class clown or work clown, but I think my friends in MDIS have stopped taking me seriously as well.

P.S. This list is in the order of the shortest description of the thing I hate about me to the longest. I have no idea why I listed it in this order but after reading this list, you should know that I am weird like that. After completing this list, I realized a number 11 which is I am actually very "anal" about people making a mess of my stuff and a number 12 that is I am like a child who refuses to grow up. Who still wants to be my friend?