Hurt.

You.

You have been on my mind this past week, hurting me like it does not matter to you at all.

Even when I am out with my friends, you have always been inside me.

Have you ever thought about the unbearable pain you are causing me?

Did you know the excruciating pain that you have inflicted has reduced me to tears?

Did you know I have resorted to pills because of you?

If I ever get an addiction to pills, the fault is going to be on you.

There is only so much hurt a man can take.

Have you forgotten about the good times we have had?

Things were going great for us, why did you have to change it?

After my previous experience, I seriously thought you were different.

I did not think that you would hurt me like the previous one did.

I was wrong, and I now regret not letting you go when I still had the chance.

I regret not letting you go before all these hurt started.

I did not want to let go of you, however, that seems like the best option. The only option.

Letting go is going to hurt as well, but it is a decision I have made.

I am not going to be hurt by you again.

And by the end of this week, all the hurt has to come to an end.

I am sorry that it has to come down to this, but you, my wisdom tooth, has got to go.

Its just emotions.

Are emotions a good thing or a bad thing? People say that without emotions, we will all just be robots doing the same thing everyday. Is that really a bad thing?

There are two general types of emotions, to me at least. One type gives you feelings of happiness, pride, sense of achievement or in other words, makes you feel good about yourself. The other type brings you sadness, confusion, hurt, pain or to simplify makes you feel terrible about yourself.

Look at it this way, you get very happy because you pass your exams with flying colors. You go out and celebrate with your class, an hour later, you receive a text message saying that someone dear to you had just passed away. Your "feel-good" emotions are immediately taken over by one of pain and sadness.

Flip the situation around, you just broke up with your girlfriend of eight years. You are still in self denial mode and is finding hard to adjust to life without her. You then find out you have struck the lottery and is now $500 or $5000 richer. Are your bad emotions immediately taken over by feelings ecstasy or happiness? For some, maybe yes. For most, probably not.

With this somewhat unfair distribution of emotions, why should we feel so blessed that we are not robots? In life, there are probably more situations that are likely to make you feel bad, disgusted, sorrow than those that make you feel genuinely happy. And you know how the saying goes, "A smile can be remembered for a day, a frown keeps you thinking for a month." (Okay, I made that up.)

Think about it, without emotions, nobody gets hurt. Nobody has to lie anymore, crime rates will probably be down as there will no longer be crimes triggered by passion. And nobody has to hide their feelings anymore. How many times have you gone out with a smile that is actually hiding your sorrows? Why should people need to pretend to be okay when in fact they feel terrible? Have you ever seen people who are extremely happy but pretend to feel anguished? (If yes, stay away from them, they are probably insane.)

P.S. This is just a rant because I know there is no way of getting rid of a person's emotions if that person still wants to live, I am not an idiot, thank you very much. Do I sound like I am whining? Perhaps. Do I sound like I am feeling sorry for myself? Maybe. But mostly, it is because this post is sponsored by anger and hurt.

Ten things I hate about me.

1. I procrastinate a lot.
   If I had a dollar for each and every time I procrastinate, I will probably be a millionaire already. I have insurance claims that I should but have not mailed out from a month ago. I was supposed to start my assignment today but yet here I am doing this post (and the blog). And if you were one of the lucky few who saw my blog before, you would have known that this blog has been around since 2004. I have since deleted the two pathetic posts that say that my blog will be done soon.
   
   
2. I am extremely sarcastic.
   I hate that I show my love to others by being sarcastic. I think I have a very serious problem. The one thing my friends can take heart, with this problem I have, is that you are probably a very good friend, to me, if you had been a victim of my sarcasm.
   
   
3. I am too easily distracted.
   This happens to me every single time. I cannot seem to stay glued to the television for a soccer game. I cannot seem to study without taking a million television or messenger breaks. I can talk about a certain issue and talk about something else before someone has even made a comment. (As if to prove a point, I finished watching a show and had my shower before I finished this post.)
   
   
4. I cannot seem to sleep early.
   It is currently 05:11am and I am here wanting to finish this post. I am jealous that some of my friends have the ability to sleep at 11:00pm, which I can never seem to do. It pisses me off when I know I have to wake up early the next day for work or for school or for a job interview and yet I keep denying myself sleep.
   
   
5. I have a punctuality problem.
   I am late more often than not and I just want to apologize to the people who have been unfortunate enough to have waited for me before (lecturers included). This is a problem I am working on.
   
   
6. I am smart in all the wrong areas.
   I am really good in thinking of weird scenarios and practical jokes. I am really good in making up weird excuses that people actually believe. I am really good in thinking too much and too far ahead. I am really good in hurting people by saying things I know I do not really feel. For what uses do these "qualities" have, I really do not know.
   
   
7. I grow too attached to things and people.
   I have Christmas cards from my secondary school days that I have refused to throw out. I have textbooks from my poly days that I have refused to throw out. I have a very cute bolster from my childhood years that I have refused to stop using. I was nearly in tears during my basic military training passing out parade. I refuse to let go of people who wants nothing to do with me. Am I really a woman? (No I am not.)
   
   
8. I am so indecisive I scare myself sometimes.
   Sometimes I wonder if I have an inner Gollum (probably a female one) in me talking myself out of the decisions I make. I contradict and second guess myself very often and sometimes I seriously do not know what I actually want. I can stand in front of the Cheers fridge for a few minutes thinking what drink I should actually buy. I guess it sucks to be me. My friends get pissed off with me because I take very long in making simple decisions, which again I am very sorry for.
   
   
9. I have extremely gay tastes in music and television programs.
   I am actually very embarrassed to admit that I actually watch shows like Gossip Girl or Privileged and listen to songs like Rihanna's "Take A Bow" and Beyoncé's "If I Were A Boy". I do not understand why I like it but the reason is definitely not because I am gay. Just to be clear, I also love shows like Heroes and Chuck and I do listen to stuff other than those two. Maybe I just have a wide tolerance for entertainment. (By the way, the shows listed above are really good.)
   
   
   
10. I joke too much to the extent that people seldom take me seriously.
    This is a trait that I have been trying to tone down for years but I seriously cannot succeed. I go into new surroundings promising to keep a low profile and not to act like a fool too much but my instincts always get the better of me. I went into MDIS thinking I want to keep quiet and just study real hard for two and a half years, due to past labels as the class clown or work clown, but I think my friends in MDIS have stopped taking me seriously as well.

P.S. This list is in the order of the shortest description of the thing I hate about me to the longest. I have no idea why I listed it in this order but after reading this list, you should know that I am weird like that. After completing this list, I realized a number 11 which is I am actually very "anal" about people making a mess of my stuff and a number 12 that is I am like a child who refuses to grow up. Who still wants to be my friend?